i just had sex bonerless
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
