You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
