I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
