Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.