why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
