If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
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She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
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If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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