1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
