My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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