Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
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He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
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