This is not my ceiling
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
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My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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