Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
