P.S. I can't hear my feet
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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