I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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