You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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