literally had 100 drinks last night.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
