I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
