found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
