He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
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he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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