I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
