This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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