I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
