totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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