forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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