It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
