i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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