508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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