so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
