so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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