im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
