It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
What drink are we having for lunch?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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