You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land