Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dating After Heartbreak
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?