Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
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I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.