i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
