I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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