Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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