I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
