His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
pop tarts are not kleenex
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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