u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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