I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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