I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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