smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
