i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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