Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You ruined the universe
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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