remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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