Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
