Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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