I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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