Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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