Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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