I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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