We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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