Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
