haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
