the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
