he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Randomize
