Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
