i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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