I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
