I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
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